First Halloween

Wow has time been flying by. In the moment, sometimes, I think "Gosh, this is so hard. When is it going to get easier?" Then I think, "Wow they are 7 months already!" I can not get any time back. How exciting it is to watch them grow and learn new things but how sad at the same time.

Halloween just passed and we had a good time. My inlaws came for a visit to that was nice for them to see the kids. Plus, with them helping out it is a super plus! ;) The boys did real well. We took them out and they were great the entire time. Braylon was a pumpkin and Logan a dragon. These two really fit the costumes for sure! Kiara was a bride. Though getting three kids ready for trick or treating is a task! All in all, it all worked out.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. We get to go to PA and visit so that is wonderful. It is hectic to travel with 2 babies but I am excited to show them off!

A thought

Whoever said it gets easier, is correct! Now nights are still a pain of a sort but it could be (and has been) worse! Maybe it is easier b/c I am so in love with these two little guys, maybe b/c I have adapted, or maybe, just maybe it is actually "easier".

Logan is such a terror. I can not get over it. Be pulls up on everything, he crawls like a bolt of lightening, and he is now trying to 'cruise' the furniture, anything he is standing up on. He gets into everything and anything he can. He gets to his destination, then is on to the next before you know it. Definitely an attention span of a fly! Today he actually let go and stood there balanced for a good 2 seconds. I was shocked. Then he caught himself before he lost complete balance. He does things and looks at you in amazement, almost saying "look at me, look at me"! He has this cute, devilish look in his eyes at times though. He is going to be something.

Braylon is all over the place as well, but he is real content. He goes after what he wants, he gets it, and is fine for awhile. It is the simplest things for Braylon. He likes to me comfortable. You can not push Bray. He takes his time, he evaluates every situation, then goes for it at his own pace. Today, I gave him yogurt and he couldn't eat it fast enough. Saying "Mmmmmm-mmmmm' while smacking those lips together. What a difference in boys!

Kiara is such a wonderful girl. She is such a big sister, always looking after the boys, making sure they are happy is her goal on a daily basis. They adore her as well. She never and still doesn't have any jealousy, like we kind of expected. She is way mature by her years for sure. Besides the normal 8 yr old girl drama and tribulations, she is such a great kid. She has such a big heart in her and it shows with these boys every day.

I can't believe we have made it this far..that goes for me, Phil, Kiara even, and the boys ;) Next week they will be 7 months...we are past the 1/2 way mark to 1 year! I am striving for that 1 yr mark b/c it will 'get easier' but at the same time, dreading to be out of the baby stage, naturally. I guess it is a mothers' instinct. To want that infant, that innocent being looking up at you, relying on you for every single need and want. I have to keep reminding myself to take it slow. This won' t last long. Though I love my breaks when they nap during the day (thank goodness we got this down pat) I am so happy to see them when they wake up. Those smiling faces, the excitement in their eyes to see me...makes it all worthwhile! I was so scared to take care of two babies...but I think I am on to something and doing something right b/c they let me know every day in their smile!

Happy thoughts

Today was a good day ;) It was a rainy, chillier day than usual. The boys and I stayed in today. Didnt have a plan, didn't have a schedule (well besides the normal nap times for this we WILL never do without) and we just went with it.

They are into this new play time now...mommy lies down on her back or stomach. They see me there, and they get so excited. Each of their faces light up and they crawl to me, start to climb up me, digging their faces into my leg, stomach, face..whatever is there. So I grab them both, hold them tights, and roll from side to side screaming and tickeling them. They laugh so hard, they love it! We did this for the first time the other day and I can say at that very moment...I knew I was doing this 'right' as a mom to twin baby boys. I never thought I was not a good mom, but I just wasn't 'comfortable' in my abilities in doing it 'right' for the boys...until now.

Today this feeling only intensified for me. We were in the kitchen and I got down and started crawling out into the family room. I looked back at the boys, saying "C'mon boys, follow Mommy!" And they did!!! I crawled out, then Logan was behind me followed by Braylon and the dog last. Not kidding. As each one met up to me, I was clapping and laughing, telling them they did such a good job! Those smiles on their faces then, Ahhhh..breath-taking!

For so many months, it is worry after worry. How am I going to breastfeed two babies? How am I going to carry two babies? How are they going to sleep-tandem or seperate? How or when am I going to sleep? Who's going to watch over Kiara if I am busy? How am I going to go to the store? eat? shower? pee? think? You don't have time to think. So, in return it is so hard to enjoy. Just to enjoy them and me with them. The days have finally come. I always loved them, of course, always thought they were the cutest, most precious things ever...I always kissed their little feet and hands, rubbed noses with mine...but it is different now. Real different.

And just to think back...how could I ever think I was not sure 'how' I was going to love a boy, let alone two boys! Now-I can't imagine never loving them this much.

We are 6 months!

Well the boys are 6 months today! We all have survived!! ;) They are getting to be so much fun now. Logan is a crawling machine, he started a couple weeks ago. Braylon is doing it as well but not as fast as his brother. They def are little boys now; not newborns anymore. Braylon loves to eat his solid foods. He is a little oinker. Tonight he had butternut squash, plums, pieces of a bananna and a rice biscuit. He wanted even more after that but I stopped it there! Logan loves his veggies but doesnt seem to fond of fruit! He isnt really into sweet things which is a great thing. Kiara was adn still is that way.

Both boys are teething at this point. Logan has his 2 bottom teeth. Braylon is biting and drooling like crazy but nothing yet.

All in all...they are doing great! Dad and I are doing good too ;) Kiara loves her brothers so much. She is the best big sister ever. They adore her too. When she comes home for school and they hear her voice, all eyes are on her. Braylon laughs away at her. At one point, Kiara was the only one able to get Bray to laugh!

I couldn't ask for more better kids than I have now! They may be a pain at times, but I have the 3 most adorable kids a mother could ask for!

It's the little things...

Today was not different than any other day. A Monday. A Saturday. They are all the same. For the exception of Sundays when my husband is not working. For months I struggled with the 'point' of my days. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mother and caring for my children. But there comes a time when you've changed enough diapers, fed enough bottles, wiped enough tears, read "The Little Red Train" a million times, sung "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" a billion times (counting all the times I sang it when pregnant), that you have to ask yourself, "God, isn't there more to this than THIS?"

My boys are soon to be 6 months old on the 30th of this month. I said to myself today, "Wow, I have made it through 1/2 a year!!" If you asked me if I thought this was possible my first week home I would have certainly said "HELL NO!" This is the time when they start getting real fun. Watching their two completely different personalities evolve.

Braylon is a Mommy's boy. He is the shy one, flirty, and loves to snuggle. He gets scared easily and doesn't like loud noises. He is such a people watcher as takes all his surroundings in. I love how he stares at me like he's never seen me before. He watches every move, every word I say and when I look at him, he has a big grin and acts bashful by turning his head, batting his eyelashes. I do not dare walk out of his sight when he is fixated on me for he throws a fit.

Logan is the complete opposite. He is always on the move. He can not stay still for a single minute. He is loud and the center of attention. He knows it too. He loves loud music and he wants things just the way he wants them. He is very determined. I love his smile. His entire face lights up, his eyes get so wide, and his dimples..oh I love his dimples. When I put my face close to his, he gets so excited that his legs and arms are going a mile a minute. He screeches and laughs while studying every part of my face in awe of me.

They are getting so big and have their own little person personalities. So I ask myself again, "what the point of my days are?" Well that is easy to answer, now anyways. To watch these two little guys grow and learn. To take in every moment and cherish for today will never be tomorrow. To change that diaper with a smile because before I know it, they will be fighting over the bathroom. To make that bottle extra warm because before I know it, they will be eating out my house. To kiss those tears away because one day I will be needing my tears kissed away for they will move away to start their own families. I will read "The Little Red Train" a million more times because sooner or later they will be "too big" for stories. I will also sing as many songs as I can because they will only be my sweet little babies for so long...

Now, I think I know my answer. Yes there is more to it than "this". I just needed to look further and enjoy.

Where it all began....

As a little girl, I never thought much about "my future". That doesn't sound too good now but I was always living "in the moment". I didn't think about the day before or the day after. Only for today, that very minute...until I had Kiara. Once I brought my daughter into this world, it seemed to me that was my purpose in this life. That was when my life actually began. Then I realized it wasn't just me here, I couldn't sleep til' I wanted, go where I wanted at anytime...I realized that I needed a plan, I had a reason to think about tomorrow, to think about my future, our future.

I really do not want to get into the few years following becoming a mother, for many reasons. I did not forget where I came from, the trials and errors, the hurt and pain for I know enduring all of it made me who I am today. It has taken me to where I am today. I just like to focus on the good in life, the happiness because it has taken me a long time to be "in this place". So I will continue writing, passing by "the past" for it is not forgotten but I will not relive it in writing.

I met my husband Phil when Kiara was 5 years old. I had just moved out on my own and was not looking for anyone. I guess that saying "when you are not looking love will find you" standstrue. For me anyways. I still have to laugh when I think about before he and I "actually met". I would always see his picture on this particular website and one day I was staring at it and said to myself, "I have a feeling I am going to marry this man, somehow". I had the real strange feeling come over me because we had never even met at this point. Well, was I ever so right! We started dating and got serious pretty quickly. He was wonderful beyond belief with Kiara. They adored one another and that made me adore him even more than I could ever imagine. It scared me though because I was so afraid to lose him. Afraid to lose him in our life. God only knows, Kiara went through enough at this point in our lives. So did I. More than many girls do in a lifetime.

We stuck it out, had our issues as most couples do. A couple years later, we married on 5.2.08. We didn't wait too long before we started to build our lives together. I loved him more than any amount of love combined. I wanted it all and all right then ;) We moved to NC in July of 08'. Soon there after I found out I was pregnant...then things really changed! We found out we were expecting twins. I will always remember that day, of course who wouldn't? The mixed emotions, I never was happy, excited, scared, and nervous at the same time...laughing and crying at once. We wanted more children and this certainly was a good start!

Braylon and Logan were born on 3.30.09. I had a rough time in the hospital with some complications so the first few days are a blur. I remember the first night in the hosptial I had them alone with me. I got up from the bed, walked to the door on my room, walked back to the bed, sat down, got back up and walked to the door again. Took a deep breath and opened to door to walk to the nursery. I was so scared. It had been so long since I had a newborn, let alone two of them. How am I going to feed them? Change them? What if they cry? How can I hold them? What if I don't know what to do? Maybe I shouldn't get them and bring them in. I had to though. I walked into the nursery and pulled one crib with each arm back into my room. I shut the door and just looked at them and smiled. At last, they are here. So tiny, so precious, so innocent. Now what do I do? I picked one up at a time (they were sleeping), sat in the rocking chair and just stared at their faces. I realized then, this was going to be such a trying time in my life. It was going to test all that I had but it certainly was worth it. I remember calling Phil that night (he was home with Kiara) being so excited because I was able to change both of their diapers and feed them. What an accomplishment. Though this probably took an hour to do though. I had the boys for a little while and then took them back to the nursery. I was so weak that this was all that I could do. I knew it would all be ok. These two lives depended on us, depended on me to love and care for them. No matter how intimidated I was, I just knew it would eventually be ok. A little at a time.