Where it all began....

As a little girl, I never thought much about "my future". That doesn't sound too good now but I was always living "in the moment". I didn't think about the day before or the day after. Only for today, that very minute...until I had Kiara. Once I brought my daughter into this world, it seemed to me that was my purpose in this life. That was when my life actually began. Then I realized it wasn't just me here, I couldn't sleep til' I wanted, go where I wanted at anytime...I realized that I needed a plan, I had a reason to think about tomorrow, to think about my future, our future.

I really do not want to get into the few years following becoming a mother, for many reasons. I did not forget where I came from, the trials and errors, the hurt and pain for I know enduring all of it made me who I am today. It has taken me to where I am today. I just like to focus on the good in life, the happiness because it has taken me a long time to be "in this place". So I will continue writing, passing by "the past" for it is not forgotten but I will not relive it in writing.

I met my husband Phil when Kiara was 5 years old. I had just moved out on my own and was not looking for anyone. I guess that saying "when you are not looking love will find you" standstrue. For me anyways. I still have to laugh when I think about before he and I "actually met". I would always see his picture on this particular website and one day I was staring at it and said to myself, "I have a feeling I am going to marry this man, somehow". I had the real strange feeling come over me because we had never even met at this point. Well, was I ever so right! We started dating and got serious pretty quickly. He was wonderful beyond belief with Kiara. They adored one another and that made me adore him even more than I could ever imagine. It scared me though because I was so afraid to lose him. Afraid to lose him in our life. God only knows, Kiara went through enough at this point in our lives. So did I. More than many girls do in a lifetime.

We stuck it out, had our issues as most couples do. A couple years later, we married on 5.2.08. We didn't wait too long before we started to build our lives together. I loved him more than any amount of love combined. I wanted it all and all right then ;) We moved to NC in July of 08'. Soon there after I found out I was pregnant...then things really changed! We found out we were expecting twins. I will always remember that day, of course who wouldn't? The mixed emotions, I never was happy, excited, scared, and nervous at the same time...laughing and crying at once. We wanted more children and this certainly was a good start!

Braylon and Logan were born on 3.30.09. I had a rough time in the hospital with some complications so the first few days are a blur. I remember the first night in the hosptial I had them alone with me. I got up from the bed, walked to the door on my room, walked back to the bed, sat down, got back up and walked to the door again. Took a deep breath and opened to door to walk to the nursery. I was so scared. It had been so long since I had a newborn, let alone two of them. How am I going to feed them? Change them? What if they cry? How can I hold them? What if I don't know what to do? Maybe I shouldn't get them and bring them in. I had to though. I walked into the nursery and pulled one crib with each arm back into my room. I shut the door and just looked at them and smiled. At last, they are here. So tiny, so precious, so innocent. Now what do I do? I picked one up at a time (they were sleeping), sat in the rocking chair and just stared at their faces. I realized then, this was going to be such a trying time in my life. It was going to test all that I had but it certainly was worth it. I remember calling Phil that night (he was home with Kiara) being so excited because I was able to change both of their diapers and feed them. What an accomplishment. Though this probably took an hour to do though. I had the boys for a little while and then took them back to the nursery. I was so weak that this was all that I could do. I knew it would all be ok. These two lives depended on us, depended on me to love and care for them. No matter how intimidated I was, I just knew it would eventually be ok. A little at a time.